The Pope’s Throat (a dispatch from Kenny Stetson)

Live from a hospital in Rome. The Vicar of Christ appears in a window. For the first three minutes nobody understands what he says. Relatively clearly, he then whispers into the microphone: “Christ, you know it ain’t easy.” Singing at the Easter service was forbidden by his doctors: too many pipes down his throat. So he hums into the microphone instead. Papal aids and deputies join in to the melody of He’ll Be Coming Round the Mountain Following the Tracheotomy. He repeatedly refused to step down Wednesday, explaining that the ninth Pope to step down breathed his last breath in the late 15th century. What would ordinary Catholics say? His holiness should remain hospitalized in the traditional way, appearing occasionally in his window to wave at the crowd. “I will only be removed by God,” he breathed, on his own. Church experts expect God to send an unequivocal signal ordering him to step down Monday. John Paul may travel to Poland for more details, leaving his tubes and the army of doctors behind. A holy vocalist unfettered by bans on singing and talking. Poland is said to have numerous windows to appear in and wave from. Angelus blessing bulletins however announced the papal health situation required the insertion of additional devices into his throat. Alas, appointed to the throne of St. Peter for all eternity, the Holy Father remains in detention.